"stop being such a coward."

I'm starting to think maybe I should just write this stuff down in a paper journal because I can perhaps be a bit more long-winded and honest with myself there. It's easier to scribble words down on a piece of paper than look at them in black and white on a computer screen. Or something.

Yesterday's rehearsal was disastrous, for me. In general, it went well (the first act, especially). But my singing was terrible, basically through the whole thing. We started off working on "Our Little World" and I sounded awful and had issues with things I've never had issues with before (the aah-aah-aahs in the beginning and middle?! seriously??) and then C got all huffy with me (like, "what is your problem today!") and it threw me off for the rest of the rehearsal, it seemed like. I couldn't get any of the aah-aah-aahs for the rest of the run, for some reason. I might be (probably am!) getting sick, but that's no excuse for getting shaken once during a rehearsal and then letting it affect the rest of my performance. What is wrong with me indeed.



Part of that might be the fact that I spent the night before with PC and L recording "Ridin' Solo" with L on ukelele and both of us on vocals (and then making PC record the ~*~soulful piano version~*~ of the same after L went home, which was both legitimately awesome and incredibly hilarious, especially him spelling out "S-O-L-O" during the bridge).

Listening to my voice played back at me like that always unnerves me - I've only done it once before but last time it made me feel awful. This time it wasn't as bad because it was both me and L and we were basically goofing off and not taking it too seriously. It came out pretty cute and he might be able to make something good out of the raw materials we recorded with him. (It sounds awesome with the accordion synths.)

After that PC and I talked about lots of things but eventually came around to the fact that the reason I don't sound like I want to sound when I sing is because I'm afraid of it, that I'm afraid of "owning it," is the way he put it. (Especially anything even the slightest bit outside my (teeny tiny) comfort zone.) And he's right, I want to sing it "right" and "well," but I don't put any heart into it. I thought that I had started to get over that but I guess not, because clearly I was still feeling the effects of being shaken like that the next day, with C setting me off again.

I made mention of this, obliquely, earlier in this journal saying "why can't I act when I sing?" I'm not having too much of an issue with it for Into the Woods because most of my acting while I'm singing consists of "blank and happy" or "blank and kind of crazy" anyway. But singing with MP on arias and such, it's too hard for me to get past the I HAVE TO DO THIS PROPERLY fears and instincts to even try to emote. And that's what it is, it's fear: down at the base of the thing, it is fear.

I was going to go on about the fact that I am awful and shouldn't try but that is not productive at all so I won't.